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Number of posts : 41
Age : 69
Registration date : 2007-10-02


How to successfully create a long lasting love relation!

Love relations starts as the biggest thing in life but relations change as times goes by. Suddenly, when you find your partner has become strong and dominating and you are weak and inferior, you ask yourself - How to successfully create the long lasting love relation that I’m worth and really want to achieve?
You feel that you have become unsure about what you like and what your partner think. You don’t believe that you can achieve what you want. The big question is, where to did our great relation go and how to find the way back.
To find the answer we must concentrate on YOU!
Now you cry - What about my partner? Why don’t we talk about him/her? The only answer is - YOU can only take responsibility for yourself and your life! So trust me - YOU can successfully find your answers and create what you want!
When you want to successfully achieve a long lasting love relation, the most powerful and the easiest tool is the What-Why-How-Where-When model, which I will introduce to you.

WHAT: Many things changes over time and we all grow and learn every day from what we experience in our life. How you maintain your love relation depends on your values together with your experiences. Values are the beliefs and self-instructions that you have committed to. To be explicit, most of your values are subconsciously committed to a long time ago and they run everything you do.
Take Bill as an example, he has been consciously seeking for love, but he subconsciously feels unworthy. He never managed to have a long relation until he became aware of this subconscious values. After working his values through, Bill created his new values and has now had a successful relation for the last 10 years.

Begin your process by asking:

- What do I want in my relation?
- What do I dislike?
- What has change since I first met my partner?
- Who was I when we met?
- What is the worst thing that can happen? Isn’t it better to know that, than to live in unhappiness?
You can and must decide what is true for you – you have the right and the responsibility to choose how you want to live your life. Remember, no one else can do that for you.

WHY: The truth is, we all learn how to live and run a love relation when we grow up and see our parents. Sometimes, it can help you to look back on their relation. Remember to do this with a grown-up way of looking instead of going back to the young you. How would you describe your parents’ relation today? Can you see similarities between their behaviour and your behaviour in your relation today?
How come, that the values you committed to when you grown up, still run your life? Because, those values subconscious follow you all the time until you create and commit to new true values. Let us look at how subconscious values can impact your life when they don’t fit in your grown-up life. The most common effect is anger. Anger has many faces; it creates different consequences as hopelessness, apathy, anxiety and depression. Anger comes in three common faces. The first is depression, being the face of anger that turns against you - you reject, hate and blame yourself. The second face is passive aggression, when you don’t take your responsibility for the aggression and blame others for what you have set in motion. Furthermore, the third face is when you are angry, but smile and pretend to be someone you aren’t - you are fooling others. When you do this you are losing your own self-respect.

To get rid of this anger you must become aware of it. Ask yourself:

- Why don’t you like yourself?
- Why do you blame others?
- Why do you feel anger?
- Why do you want to change?

HOW: You must create new values when you feel stuck in an old one! Remember that we don’t want to change – it is hard work and uncomfortable – but worth everything.
Now it’s time to find out how everything has become what it is and how you can create the successful change you really want. Take three different papers and label them:
“Me in the beginning” - describe the person you were when your relation began.
“Me today! - describe the person you are today.
“Me in my dream” - describe how you want to be.
Begin your creative process by observing yourself for a few weeks. Look for feelings and thoughts like:
- In the beginning…
- You make me ...
- You don’t …
- It’s your …
- I don’t like…
- I want…
No matter what you think, I guarantee you that thoughts like those above are controlling you all the time. The subconscious values, that create those thoughts, continuously sabotage yourself in your relation.
Every time you notice these thoughts and feelings, write them down on the right paper. Describe what you feel, think and the image you might see. Take your time and be HONEST to yourself.
When you feel ready, take your papers with you and go to a place where you can be totally undisturbed. Read, think and feel through everything you have written. Look for patterns. Use this thinking loop: Why do I feel this – what can I change – what if that happens – what happens then. Peel down layer after layer, like an onion, until you find your true core value. Now you understand your subconscious values and it is time to create and commit to new values that fits with your life today. One of the greatest ways to find new values is to look for the polar opposite value of the old one. Also, create as many different perspectives as you can around each old value. Think, feel and trust yourself in the process of truly developing the new right value for you! To help yourself to achieve the new values, write them down on small cards and bring them with you always.

WHERE: If you create many new values – where to start? The answer is to prioritize and choose the three most important ones. In your heart, commit to start to live from these. To change and live a new value takes time and consistent practice, overcome your personal challenges by stepping out of your comfort zone and take action. Remember to focus on sharing your good qualities with others.

WHEN: Now when you are truly committed to your new values – Start taking action immediately! Be aware of procrastination and if you think “This won’t work”, remember that this is also a value! To motivate you I would like to ask: How long did it take you to learn how to drive? Ask yourself - “How long am I going to work to make my dreams come true”? The given answer is of course: “As long as it takes”.

YOU are unique! You are, in every moment, as perfect as you can be; based on the knowledge and experiences you have until now. You can only become better. You are unique! No one else can be better of being you than YOU!

With all wishes of happiness and success
Eva Dahlberg, A celebrated and approved author for kimknightcoaching

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